Many People Warned Me

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During the months before I left for Mexico, many people warned me that my husband would not be the same man I left outside the secure area of the airport one and a half years before.  The idea was that when people go home, they re-adapt to their own culture; who Sal was in the United States is not who he would be–or should be–in Mexico.

Now that I am here, I wonder if anyone bothered to warn Sal that his wife would not be the same woman who disappeared behind that security checkpoint one and a half years before.  When he left, I barely had the chance to adjust to being a new wife.  Then, instantly, I was living as a single woman–an unmarried daughter in her parent’s basement.  I was very reliant on my family; certainly, I was not as independent as I had once imagined myself to be. I was scared, uncertain of myself, and often felt incredibly nervous.

The truth is, who I was in the US was who he fell in love with, but it wasn’t who I wanted to be; I certainly hope he loved me in spite of these bad qualities and not because of them.  I became better when I met him, but at the same time, I felt a greater distance between myself and the life I had imagined for myself since I was young.  Slowly, I was giving up pieces of myself so that I could mold into this new dream of suburban Missouri, family, and quiet contentment–I am not certain from whom this dream even came, but it became a part of our shared vision.  It was not the dream from when I was young, not the dream that I could fall asleep thinking about and wake happy and rested.  From adolescence on, I wanted to have adventure in my life; I wanted to live somewhere new and be someone else.  I wanted to do something more than just become another generation growing up, working, and raising a family in their hometown.

Pachuca is not the most exciting city one could choose to relocate to, but there is a lot here for me.  More than any time I can remember in my life, I smile and I laugh and I feel good about what I am doing.  While it goes against reason, I feel more independent here than I did back home–without a car and without the language.  Without anyone to help me, I explore the city and my neighborhood.  It feels as though there are a million new experiences before me, waiting to be snatched up and treasured.  Somehow I am closer to what I want from my life here than I was in my hometown.

I am different.  I am happier, more independent, less fearful than I once was.  Even tiny inhibitions I never realized were part of me are starting to shed.  I am not who he left behind–I have left her behind as well.

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2 responses »

  1. This is a very good thing. Glad you feel the way you do and things have worked out so well. It is nice to feel home in a place you were unsure you could feel that way about.

    Yay for great beginnings!

  2. Wow, that last line sent chills down my spine!
    I think this is just the beginning. You will grow in ways you never imagined and treasure the experiences you’re having. Who says our life should be cookie cutter perfect, married, kids, hometown….
    I’m more about independence and doing what YOU want! I think you’ve made a wonderful decision to join your husband.
    I learned so much about my self when I spent 3 weeks total in Mexico. IMagine spending a year? To be so lucky…..
    Maybe one day we’ll go back.
    I can tell you are falling right into place in Pachuca.
    Love your updates!
    Cuidate!

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